I've started making myself spend time in my craft room lately. I call it my craft room because it is where all of my beads and card-making supplies are, but it is really just my...happy place? It's the place I go to blast music, sing poorly, and putter with stuff. Sometimes I make something. Today was not one of those days. Instead, it was a day to play with paper and listen to music.
I have always had a weird connection with music. I can hear a song and tell you who I danced with to that song at a middle-school dance, or what grade I was in when it came out. Songs remind me of ex-boyfriends, ex-roommates, family members.
Witchy Woman by Eagles - elementary school. I remember hearing this song on the school bus and loving it.
Disco? Middle school, totally. Every middle-school dance featured Le Freak by Chic or something by Donna Summer.
Open Arms by Journey - sophomore year in high school. Weirdly, it also reminds me of one of my sisters-in-law. Two days before my wedding, the family all flew in to Colorado. That night, Mike and I took two of his cousins and his sister to our favorite hangout place. Open Arms came on in the bar and I casually said, "I hate this song." My SIL immediately demanded that the song be turned off because her "future SIL" didn't like it. A guy at the bar said, "So? Maybe we like it." It was funny.
Shout by Tears for Fears - freshman in college, laying outside the dorm on a towel trying to get a tan.
Let anything by Nirvana play and I am immediately back in the barracks in Germany.
Jolene, sung by Reba McEntire, was my jam whenever my roommate in the Army took too long to get ready to go out. I would play it on repeat and sing it to her. Why? Her name was Jolene! She got ready very quickly once I started singing.
Don't even get me started on the songs that remind me of my husband - when we met, when we were newlyweds, times when he was deployed, or even just the last few years. I create a new playlist for every year and since he is a part of every aspect of my life, all of my recent playlists make me think of Mike.
You get the picture - there is a playlist for pretty much every part of my life. Sometimes those songs bring back memories that are hard. That was the case tonight. I had a list playing called "iSing." I add any song that I like to sing along with to that list. I was happily puttering away when a song came on - I Believe in You by Il Divo and Celine Dion. When my kids were young, I listened to Il Divo a lot. The kids loved this song. As it played today, and as I was singing along with it, I suddenly had this memory of Mackenzie and Keeghan in the back seat of the car in DC. We listened to this song often on drives from home to Walter Reed for Keeghan's chemo appointments.
I have to explain something here...both of my children LOVED to sing. Mackenzie has always had a beautiful voice. Keeghan, on the other hand, loved singing but couldn't carry a tune at all (sorry, Bubby, but you know it is true). I've always said that he made up for his lack of singing skill with his enthusiasm. When he sang in the car, Mike and I would usually be in the front seat doing everything we could not to crack up. Looking back on those days, I would give anything to hear that off-tune little voice belting it out in the backseat.
So when that song played today, and when that memory suddenly hit me, I couldn't hold off the tears. I could have skipped the song to avoid the feeling, but I didn't. Sometimes it feels good to let the tears flow. Keeghan should be here. My children, as adults, should still be singing the songs they loved when they were young.
Life is so weird. I thank God every day that I am still here to live it. I thank God every day that I have the man of my dreams to live it with. But sometimes I just have to wonder why...why did Keeghan have to die? Why do some people get easy lives? Why didn't we deserve to have Keeghan forever?
I will never have answers in this life. In the meantime, I will keep listening to the music that has defined every aspect of my life - the good times and the bad - and hold the memories close. Every memory that makes me cry also reminds me of the depths of my love - for Mike, Mackenzie, and Keeghan. That is a gift.
