The Shadow at the End of the Hall

I grew up as a shadow. I didn't have an identity of my own. I followed behind, always. I was the shadow at the end of the hall.

I found myself when I left home, but even when I found my own personality and learned that I could be front and center, the shadow always told me I needed to get behind. There was always doubt...that I wasn't good enough to be in the spotlight. I didn't belong there.

It wasn't until a very handsome Army Corporal showed me attention that I discovered I didn't need to be noticed by everyone. I only needed to be noticed by him. That was incredibly liberating!

Fast-forward a few decades and I have learned to be okay with being noticed, but the only one who really matters is still him. I can speak up now. I no longer feel like I am not enough. I know that I am smart and capable. Sometimes I can even be cocky about things that I know I am good at. It's not something I am proud of!

After a while though, I start to miss being the shadow at the end of the hall. I don't want to see other people. I don't want other people trying to take up my time. When others put expectations on me, even if those expectations are merely that they want to see me or spend time with me, I want to run. 

The worst part is that I start to dislike people that really haven't done anything wrong. But because they are making me feel awkward and uncomfortable, I want to say or do something to make them not want to be around me. 

That is where I'm at right now. The difference is that I'm not the child in the room at the end of the hall, spending my time with my stereo and my cat. I need to behave like an adult, be polite, smile. Be nice. 

I'd rather run.